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These days...i've been wondering.

School started and i have mixed feelings about it. I thought it would be better than it is. But, each day has gotten somewhat better than the last, which is good.

But everyday i get reminded, somehow, of basketball. And i get to thinking if i really made the right decision. Now i don't have a "group", i felt misplaced. I've always just been able to fit in with whatever team i was been playing on at the time, maybe making a friend or two outside of it. Why would i really need to make other friends anyways? I had my team to be my friend. Now i don't. Now i have to make new friends. Now i have to reach out. Sure i did it before, but now it just seems like a necessity rather than just an option.

Then i thought, how can you really appreciate friends if you never live without them? So, that was the answer to that worry.

After that, i kept wondering...wondering about why i made this decision, originally. I thought back to when i first started detaching from the sport, and all the other sports i played. I decided it started in 8th grade. I just got done playing JV basketball during the summer, which was kinda a big deal, but now my big head started to deflate and i started to forget why i loved it so much. School went on and i didn't think much of it. Once JBA started, i had a good time practicing until the games started. I don't remember the details of that season, but i remember the overall feeling of it: not good enough, not good enough, not good enough. It was stupid, i know that now. It was my own feeling, my own problem. But i didn't see it in myself, i only saw it coming from the people around me. Judging me. I remember crying a lot that season.

Then 9th grade happened. Volleyball was great! I loved learning and adapting to a new sport. Then towards the end of the season i stopped giving myself the "new learner" slack and started getting down on myself again. By the end of the season i couldn't wait for it to be over. Basketball started for Woodcock the very next week and...i was excited...i guess. Tryouts were brutal and all i remember is yelling, running and free throws. I don't even know what to say about that season. There's just too much to it. It was not quite the 8th grade basketball season was, but it wasn't very much better. I got better as a player and made closer friends, while maturing enough to have the courage to share The Book of Mormon with my coach. I learned how to deal with people that i didn't like and not be a jerk about it. I learned that without the Spirit i'm one angry person. Which i should have learned a long time ago. However, even once i realized this and tried my very very very hardest to correct it...i couldn't. I just couldn't, and that's all there was too it. I couldn't keep the Spirit with me while playing.

Softball and track were a different story. Almost. I still got frustrated sometimes. Not as much, i guess i had learned...a little bit. I would have to owe a lot of it to my coaches. They believed in me when i didn't believe in me. And believed in me enough to make me do things i didn't think i could do. They helped correct the mistakes i made instead of berating me for them. Yeah, it was a good time. Then in the middle of the seasons i went on a trip to Israel. And something just changed. These things didn't seem to hold such a high priority in my life anymore. My learning of the gospel and it's teachings started to override what i thought was important--sports. I still played.I still tried really hard. I still wanted to win. But if we didn't win...was it worth it to be angry about it? Not really. Then, once i thought i had changed for the better, i changed even more. Tim changed me. Tim is the name of a time in my life when one of my best friends almost died from CPVT. I won't go into detail, but it just wasn't good, ok? Yeah, sports sure changed priority in my life...again. Even more so this time, though. The importance of family and friends out weighed it all, now. And when she got out of the hospital, guess what happened? I didn't go see her because of a softball game. And now, i can't tell you a single thing about that game--who we played, if we won, what the score was. NOTHING. Yeah, i was disliking this whole idea of sports right about then.

Finally, one day, it happened. I was lazily sitting at our island in the kitchen talking to my mom. "Mom, i still don't know what to do about basketball!" For you see, i had been praying, pondering and questioning about the option of playing basketball for MVT, for a LONG time now. How could i not do it? It's been pretty much the sum of my whole existence thus far into life. I hadn't gotten a for sure answer yet and i just wanted to know, i was sick of worrying about it. Mom was probably sick of hearing about it,too, probably. I hadn't talked to anyone about it at school because, well because....i knew what they would say. "Of course you have to play Kami! You're...you!" So, i couldn't ask them. That's when i really knew what to do. While sitting there listening to my mom--again. I heard her say, " Kami, i'm just making the decision for you, you aren't playing next year". Once i had digested that for about .2 seconds, i almost bursted into tears. I felt this huge weight lift off of my and it felt soooo right. I can't even explain how good it felt. So, now, when i forget and get sad about not doing basketball, i have to remember that feeling and all the other reassurances God gave me to help me remember why i'm not playing.

And that's why it's so hard to explain to people why i'm not doing sports. I don't actually have any solid reasons for not doing it. I guess i'm just going with the wind, i don't see it, but i can feel it. I can't see why i'm not doing it, but i feel in my heart that it's right. That's why i usually just tell people it's because it takes up too much time or something like that. Even though, if i was the Kami i was before, that wouldn't have phased me one bit. I've just grown to know about more important things. But don't think that if you're doing sports you're doing something wrong. I just have a different purpose to fulfill this year, and maybe the next 3 years, than sports. Who even knows what it is...but i'm hoping i find out soon.

To end, i would like to just remind you people of a quote. A personal favorite at the moment...

When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.

–Ezra Taft Benson